There are many days where I just feel full. A dead weight. A heavy mass composed of meaninglessness. I do not feel depressed, I do not feel remorse, I do not feel guilty, I just...don't feel. Too bulky to feel.
If you've read "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" Oskar puts it perfectly; "I have heavy boots."
I am not thoroughly down trodden but I realize there is a negativity to the state I'm in. What kind of person am I to just be going through the motions without feeling? I think I nailed it...dead weight.
It's not that I don't take the time to look around, to be inspired, to get motivated, but it's in such small doses that it hardly adds up to a lifestyle. Most of the time I am just wasting my time. Maybe that's the problem. I always think it's my time. Nothing I have is really mine, nothing I work for or purchase or build or anything is really mine. Cara Webb has never breathed anything into existance or spoken something into happening.
I can't sit around anymore.
I have no excuses left.
What am I doing?
2 comments:
You have a talent for expressing feelings where most of us cannot find the words. Although its great not to be depressed i wouldn't say your not feeling. You must have had some kind of guilt or remorse to be so disgusted with just sitting around. As for breathing things into existance that sort of thing is better left for God. You however can still do so much to give your life the meaning and satisfaction you desire, and it is exactly the small doses that adds up. The way your see your life is a refection of what is truely important to you. You really can do anything, so for a moment think of how you want to live without taking food, money or your own safety into account. Then in time you might find where you belong. Please let me know if these postings are rhetorical in case your not looking for feedback.
I agree the way you express yourself is beautiful to say the least...
But no remorse or no guilt is something i wish i had... I feel most of us have guilt of somethings in are life.. A remorse we cant express...
You say you have no feelings but the way you express is inspiring to most... and your expressing yourself here is a feeling in itself...
Hats off to you..
And for the fact that you dont know me? Doesnt matter my friend doesnt matter... :)
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