Clearing Out

It's such an incredible experience; the act of purifying, cleansing,purging oneself from the clutter, impurities and distractions of life.

I've recently been cutting myself free from not just earthly, held-in-hand posessions, but posessions of my heart. Moments, memories and feelings that have no place inside of me anymore. There is no reason to hold onto so many of the things and reminders of yesterday. The beauty of photography and snapping hold of a memory is wonderful, I will keep many photos, but there are so many things that must go.

As I was going through a closet I found a bag of items I'd been keeping that were given to me by my ex-fiance, Ryan. I'd been told by some people to toss them away because it was part of moving on. Others told me it was ok to keep a few things because not all the memories were bad, it was only the last month of the relationship with tainted times. So, totally unsure of what to do, I kept our book of love letters, the ring, a few pictures and a scarf he'd made me. I also kept the framed proposal that he had hung in the art gallery the day he asked me to marry him. As I pulled that out, I was rushed with some intriguing emotions. A couple were sad, like the fact that I'd really missed him for a long time afterwards, but as I began to cry I realized what I was feeling most was relief and thankfulness.

The song "Control" by MuteMath was playing and as soon as I focused on what these emotions were, these words came out of the speakers "There is no better loss than to lose myself in You. There is no better find than to find myself in You. Lord, I surrender all. What a beautiful surrender." Yeah. Tears of joy, my friends.

The life I have been so blessed to live has taught me many things...the point it has brought me to is amazing. Nearly two years of singleness, and that's a big for the girl who always had a boyfriend. I am a lasting relationship kind of girl and the three honest relationships I've been in were good runs, but God's built me for something different. I have been content in these years for the most part - when I am single my focus is so much better. My purpose is clearer and I am alot less distracted from my Lord. I am enjoying the blessings that come with this stage of life.

Yes, I have very lonely days. But ultimately, I know I am loved and that God provides me with everything I need. HIS perfect love is sustaining. I felt the need to write this because I have heard from many people "You just need to find a man who shares the same vision as you. He will come." far too often. To that I say "Or I just don't need a man" and get laughed at. It's not that there isn't a part of me that would love to serve next to a true partner and share a committed to eachother and family kind of life. That all sounds lovely. But I also see what can happen with beautiful friendships and that romantic love is not necessity, but a sweet bonus to some peoples lives.

God's word is clear that marriage is not intended for everyone. I'm just finding out that I'm quite alright if that's to be my future - I love my Lord!

Some of you may laugh and be saying "You're only 24, don't be so dramatic" and it's true, someone may very well come along one of these days. As for today, nothing is standing in the way of my heart fully delighting in the place my Savior has brought me. His love carries me. I am awed.

For the record, I threw out all the old Ryan stuff. There's simply not enough room inside to share - Jesus has all of me.